Weyland-Yutani Says "NO!" to Universal Health Care

As a great lover of unsolicited mail from corporations that won't exist for centuries, I pass the following note from my inbox on to you:

Dear Friend,

I am writing on behalf of the evil venerable megacorporation Weyland-Yutani—which, in addition to its many other holdings, recently acquired a majority share of the health insurance market in the inner solar system—to share with you the dangers of attempting what so many others have accomplished successfully: constructing a system of universal health care.

While our foes at liberal media outlets like Wikipedia describe us as “consistently. . .exhibiting the worst aspects of corporate profiteering, willing to sacrifice decency and human life in the pursuit of profit,” nothing could be further from the truth! We are fighting to preserve JusticeFreedomAndTheAmericanWay™ itself and to prevent the government from trampling on the rights of the little guy: insurance conglomerates like Weyland-Yutani.

Regulating the products offered by corporations is outrageous--tyrannous, even--and serves no useful social purpose that we can see. We certainly don't want government bureaucrats poking their noses into a business that's rightfully done by profit-seeking private sector bureaucrats. We finally decided that enough is enough. Corporations like Weyland-Yutani have to stand up and shout it to the rafters: we want our country back! Our demands are simple: aside from funneling taxpayer money to citizens who are then forced by law to spend it on our product, the government should remove itself entirely from our industry.

Further, the government must drop this insidious "public option" proposal. The creation of a public health insurance option to compete against private insurers is madness. Ask yourself: would the Founders approve of the creation of new legal entities that cannot be found in the Constitution? We here at Weyland-Yutani would bet our corporate personhood that they would not. We urge you to do your civic duty as loyal W-Y customers: find someone--preferably an elected official--willing to engage in a reasonable debate on these weighty questions and shout them down! Remember, subsidies and mandates to buy our insurance are good, consumer protection regulations and increases in competition are dangerous overreaches of federal authority.


Truthfully yours,


Xeno M.
President, Weyland-Yutani

So I ask: Does it amuse you? Suggestions for pumping up the funny (while not obscuring the underlying message) would be much appreciated.